You're the words that come out easy . . .

My mother-in-law characterizes her daughter (my wife) as one who “jumps in with both feet and deals with the consequences later.” After over four years of marriage, i can say there is some truth to that. This statement however, does not summarize her fully. My wife commits. When an issue or question arises she surmises, researches, considers and commits. The above quote catches only the last part; the commitment. It misses the earlier stages.

i, on the other hand him & haw and try to keep one leg on the fence as long as possible in case i have to jump back over. Together, we’re learning to balance this out but honestly, i’m stoked that my wife is a committer. Obviously this bodes well for our marriage but that’s not what i mean.

Left to my own devices, i would rarely make a decision and, when i did, i’d try to leave every door, window, and vent open so that i could jump out if i need to (note, this does not apply to our marriage, that one’s different). But, because i’m married to a committer we go through the process together. We look at doors 1, 2, and 3, weigh our options and decide together. My wife usually gets there first. Her early arrival is nice for me because i can, through her eyes, get a better picture of what being there is like. Also, because we make decisions together, if we disagree in the end, she’s not dead set against changing so, while she knows what she prefers, she remains flexible.

Generally we end up in the same place; i just get there more slowly. This is where the commitment part matters. If i had made the decision on my own, i would try to leave myself a way out. Because i married a committer, we’re pretty much settled once we decide (sure we can change if we have to but we generally don’t). i like this. There is a security in knowing a decision is made. Sure it means we have to face whatever comes from that decision but who knows what we would have faced behind door number 2. Things may be better but most likely things would have been worse. This gives me peace in the midst of the storm.

As my mother-in-law puts it, we must “deal with the consequences.” Well, nothing is ever perfect but “consequences” are not always bad. We deal with what comes based on a decision because we have made that decision. What we do not do is run to the window, climb back out and peek behind doors 2 and 3. i like that a lot.

In the end, what i’m learning is that the enemy comes bringing storms, wind, lightening, and anything he can must up but those things are always around and above us. They are never below us. Why. Because he knows that if we look down we’ll remember the truth. That we are, in fact, simply resting in the palm of God’s mighty hand and that there isn’t a damn thing he can do about it.

Backwards Thinking

As Americans, we have this idea that we are entitled to all kinds of stuff. i can see where we get that idea.

i mean, America is a Christian Nation right? So, it follows logically that we are a nation of people who were made in the image of God. More to the point, we have become heirs with Christ; sons of God even!

One's right to expect all kinds of stuff follows logically. One, it would seem, is logically entitled to said stuff. i mean, we're basically cosmic, freaking royalty after all!

For instance, why should i, a child of God, have to show any deference to you. At best you might also be a child of God (at best) which means you're no better (probably far worse) than i am. Why should i show you any preference.

i was really confused about this stuff until this morning when the actions of a fellow motorist made things clear. Just after this motorist (obviously a fellow child of God) cut me (and several others) off with a complete lack of regard for my (anyone's) wellbeing, i realized how logical it all is. How could it possibly make sense to worry about how your actions might affect others when you are clearly the top of the cosmic food chain.

i'm just glad to finally have clarity on this topic.

(note, for those confused about the contents of this post, refer to the title)

my heart is like my stomach,

So, how sad is it that i can't appreciate God. i mean really. i've been what you might call a "believer" for some time now. i know the drill; God is awesome; i am grateful. It's not difficult.

So, the other night my wife an i realize that we have a problem. The problem itself is essentially immaterial so i will spare the details and speak generally because the truth is, as specific as my present feelings are, they are in fact the same in all conceptually similar situations.

So we've got problem 'A' and we freak out a bit. Fair enough, problems suck. We get worried. We've been praying about situations surrounding 'A' for sometime not even knowing we had the problem so yeah, we're a little surprised and frustrated.

So obviously we pray and we start looking at the tangible things we can do to try and fix 'A' ourselves. God, helping those who help themselves and what-not, seems to like this sort of thing. We eventually come upon what i came to think of as a 'pseudo-solution'. Fears calm, we relax a bit, still frustrated that 'A' is/was a problem at all, but glad to know that 'A' will not devour us whole.

The next day i'm praying and how do i thank God? "Lord you're awesome and amazing; thank you for such a great solution!"? No, more like, "God thanks for staving of disaster for a while but what else have you got."

The thing is this, i'm an idiot. God totally saved our bacon (turkey if you're curious) and i'm moderately grateful. i appreciate His help and all, but i really had something much grander in mind. It's like saying, "You know God, this whole salvation thing great and all but, is there like a platinum package you offer? Maybe something where i can skip this whole 'Earthly trials' thing and just cut straight to the punch."

So, yeah, i'm basically a moron. A saved moron, but a moron.

And, in case there is any confusion; God is awesome, His solutions are great and i have absolutely no right to complain. If i do complain, please refer to the above.

i am but one small instrument. . .

Ok, so, i'm not sure how best to say this. . . Jeremy Enigk. . . . well, Jeremy Enigk. i have no words to describe it. i try not to be overly gushy about bands and artists and stuff but sometimes one has to stop and appreciate that God has given some people far too much talent. i was listening to World Waits today and my goodness, it's just unbelievable.

i realize this album has been out for a while but lets be honest, we could have the same conversation (read monolog) about Diary. It never stops being incredible. It honestly makes me jealous but it also inspires me. It makes me want to write and play music. It makes me want to hear songs i wrote and recorded play back. It makes me want to play open-mics and crap like that. Man i need to learn how to sing. i also need to learn how to write songs i like. Most of the stuff i try to write comes out sounding like something i wouldn't listen to.

Anywho, enough about me. Jeremy Enigk actually brought glory to God today. Listening to his stuff actually made me stop and tell God how awesome He (God, not Jeremy) is. Enigk doesn't write worship music (that i know of). i've heard rumors that he accepted the Lord years ago but i have no idea if that is actually true or if it "stuck" or not but i honestly don't care. i mean, i care; obviously i'd prefer to see the man not go to hell, but i've never met him so it's not really my place to get all into it. my point is, i don't honestly care if he meant to glorify God with his music or not. He did. The pure, simple, complex, beauty of his music really reminded me how amazing God is.

i suppose this ties into an earlier conversation (read monolog) about worshiping God without getting in the way. i'm not sure it does, but it seems to in my head. Either way, i'm probably not listening to anything else today. (ok, that's not 100% accurate, a little Elliot Smith slipped in earlier but that's because i was thinking about scotch.)

i'm so damn tired...

Yeah, day two of law school and i'm already quite tired. This is not encouraging. i find myself making exactly the same promise i made myself for 4 years of undergrad:

"i'll catch up by _____, then it will all be down hill from there".

That's right, 4 years of the same lie. At least now i know it's a lie. . .

if that blonde chick can do it. . .

So, today is my first day of law school. 2 classes down, one to go. It doesn't seem too bad. It will be way more work than i ever thought about doing in undergrad but boo-hoo, what did i expect. The problem is this. i was on day 2 of orientation before it occurred to me to pray about being ready for it. "God, please help me to be ready for this." That's all i'm talking about here. Still i've only prayed about it like 2 or 3 times even after that realization. Some people are freaking out and praying daily about it. Sure i prayed a bunch in deciding to come here but not about being here.

I can only offer 2 explanations for this:

1) I just trust God that much.

2) I'm an arrogant bastard.

Survey says. . . . . . oh, sorry, arrogant bastard! Oh well.

Sadly, at one point in my life i was considering a prayer policy that basically involved trusting God to care for me and praying about other stuff. This could be a whole topic on its own so i'll leave it at that. i don't think that idea was too far off base though. The problem with the current situation is that i pray about/for myself all the time. i really want to believe some part of me subconsciously falls into category 1 and as a result my natural reaction is to not pray about it. Sadly, nothing else supports that hope.

The best part about this is that i really like it when God shows me what a moron i am. This is largely because 2 is so true. I need this from time to time. As sad as it is, though maybe because 1 is partly true (somewhere deep down), i almost prefer to learn this way. This as opposed to something more tangible like bad grades or something.

MY redeemer lives

i was thinking recently about how we praise God. We typically sing songs. We also, hopefully, try to live in a way that brings Him glory. Both are an important part of worshiping Him. i've been thinking a bit about the singing part. Every song i can think of is designed to praise God for who He is in relationship to us. He is our provider. He is our savior. He is good to us. We sing these songs and try to emphasize the "He" but in practice (simply by consistency of subject matter) we end up emphasizing the "us". i think i would really like to have a song that praises God for who He is on His own.

i feel like God is so much bigger than His relationship with us yet we limit our expression to things that we know based on our relationship with Him. Maybe this isn't all bad. God tells us to come to him like little children. Children don't always understand that their father may be the best blah, blah, blah in his district or that mom is a top notch etc, etc. Children know their parents exclusively through their interaction. As such, children's expressions of adoration exist through that filter.

Perhaps God designed our relationship with Him this way intentionally. I know that God is too much for me to understand. i know that he is too great for me to comprehend. i realize that to praise Him for something other than what He is to me would require me to know/understand something i may not be built to know/understand. That fact leads me to only two possible conclusions:

- i have simply become a more mature follower of Christ and i desire a more mature (for lack of a better word) worship.

or

- my pride has gotten so out of control that i think i can praise God on a higher level than David himself.

i honestly go back and forth between the two conclusions. both make a good deal of sense. Either way, i like to believe that my goal is to praise Him and give Him the Praise He deserves. i may be kidding myself. i may have found a way to work a sinful attitude into my desire to praise the Lord. Whatever the case, i can't get away from the feeling that so much of our worship is more self-focused than it could be.

If there's a way to go . . .

For the past couple of years i've been thinking about what really matters in the grand scheme of things. i don't know if it works this way for others but certain things rattle around in my head for a couple years before they get anywhere. The decision to drink alcohol took somewhere from 3-5 years. Perhaps you ponder something for a week and then know fully everything you think about the topic. For me it takes a while.

That said, the question of what really matters is one i fully expect to take a long time. i'm glad to be dealing with it now though. i recently picked up some Tolstoy and, in reading some of his non-fiction, found that in his fifties he was pondering very similar issues. After living a successful, and arguably important, life he questioned everything. This period in his life brought about massive personal change and that personal change draumatically impacted the world around him.

i also think about the diciples in a similar context. The disciples (post resurection) all lived to the death for Chirst; the aposlte Paul as well. These men, once misfits and losers, lived their life with determination and conviction. Something changed them. Something similar can be said of Tolstoy. He hit a point where what he once knew would no longer suffice.

i've often considered myself weak, unspectacular, quiet. i often fail to stand up for things i believe strongly in; often while fighting for things that simply cannot matter. That simply will not do anymore. i think the first step is deciding what truly matters. Once that is done, i can decide how to live in light of what matters.

Part of it is also letting the things which don't matter slide. I'm confronted with this one regularly. I'll get upset over something at work. On the whole, work is important. It is the little issues we get up in arms about that are typically the unimportant. They cause unnecessary frustration and they take our eyes off those things which do matter.

i hope one day to have the balanced perspective of a man who knows what matters in life. i hope this so that i may live the life that i believe to be the only possible outcome of such a perspective.

. . . face first is mine.

Bloke in a dress!

So, i recently bought myself a dress. . .

Apparently, i will, this Saturday, carry on the grand, cross-dressing tradition of many who have engaged, survived and conquered the education system. i, my friend, will walk in a graduation commencement ceremony. Why this requires me to wear a dress (or "gown" if you prefer) is beyond me.

The whole graduation thing seems strangely anti-climactic. Perhaps this is because 9 days later i will again begin classes at the same school. I will not be resuming classes for the sake of continuing my education by seeking a graduate degree, but rather for the purpose of completing the very degree i'll be cross-dressing for this weekend. It's sort of a kill joy.

Honestly, it feels like a kind of debt. i'll be "getting a degree" based on my promise to complete some course work. i know i'm not actually getting a degree this weekend (i don't think anyone does at these things; i'm pretty sure they mail it to you later). Still i can't help but imagine i'll feel somehow obligated to finish after Saturday. Like before i was doing it for my own reasons but after this weekend i'll owe them my scholastic effort.

i plan to finish, obligation or no, so it's not big deal but still, i can't help but think that walking across that stage on Saturday will feel ever so much like the swipe of a big credit card.

All blasphemy aside . . .

This is my list of games that God could not win. There are explanations for each one. Re-check this post from time to time as i will add to it as they come to me (are suggested). So, without further delay (or delayla for that matter),

Games God could not win:

- Dodge Ball. Come on, possibly the most obvious; He's omni-freekin-present! How do you not hit him. Guaranteed 1st out every game.

- Any variation of tag (see above).

- Ping-pong. At first i thought, of course God would win at stupid table tennis! He's God! But, you may recall, His eye is on the sparrow. You've got to keep your eye on the ball man!
___- you could lump a lot of racket sports in here too. (volleyball as well i suppose)
___- on a related not, he'd crush at badminton, sparrow/birdy, same thing.