Backwards Thinking

As Americans, we have this idea that we are entitled to all kinds of stuff. i can see where we get that idea.

i mean, America is a Christian Nation right? So, it follows logically that we are a nation of people who were made in the image of God. More to the point, we have become heirs with Christ; sons of God even!

One's right to expect all kinds of stuff follows logically. One, it would seem, is logically entitled to said stuff. i mean, we're basically cosmic, freaking royalty after all!

For instance, why should i, a child of God, have to show any deference to you. At best you might also be a child of God (at best) which means you're no better (probably far worse) than i am. Why should i show you any preference.

i was really confused about this stuff until this morning when the actions of a fellow motorist made things clear. Just after this motorist (obviously a fellow child of God) cut me (and several others) off with a complete lack of regard for my (anyone's) wellbeing, i realized how logical it all is. How could it possibly make sense to worry about how your actions might affect others when you are clearly the top of the cosmic food chain.

i'm just glad to finally have clarity on this topic.

(note, for those confused about the contents of this post, refer to the title)

i am but one small instrument. . .

Ok, so, i'm not sure how best to say this. . . Jeremy Enigk. . . . well, Jeremy Enigk. i have no words to describe it. i try not to be overly gushy about bands and artists and stuff but sometimes one has to stop and appreciate that God has given some people far too much talent. i was listening to World Waits today and my goodness, it's just unbelievable.

i realize this album has been out for a while but lets be honest, we could have the same conversation (read monolog) about Diary. It never stops being incredible. It honestly makes me jealous but it also inspires me. It makes me want to write and play music. It makes me want to hear songs i wrote and recorded play back. It makes me want to play open-mics and crap like that. Man i need to learn how to sing. i also need to learn how to write songs i like. Most of the stuff i try to write comes out sounding like something i wouldn't listen to.

Anywho, enough about me. Jeremy Enigk actually brought glory to God today. Listening to his stuff actually made me stop and tell God how awesome He (God, not Jeremy) is. Enigk doesn't write worship music (that i know of). i've heard rumors that he accepted the Lord years ago but i have no idea if that is actually true or if it "stuck" or not but i honestly don't care. i mean, i care; obviously i'd prefer to see the man not go to hell, but i've never met him so it's not really my place to get all into it. my point is, i don't honestly care if he meant to glorify God with his music or not. He did. The pure, simple, complex, beauty of his music really reminded me how amazing God is.

i suppose this ties into an earlier conversation (read monolog) about worshiping God without getting in the way. i'm not sure it does, but it seems to in my head. Either way, i'm probably not listening to anything else today. (ok, that's not 100% accurate, a little Elliot Smith slipped in earlier but that's because i was thinking about scotch.)

If there's a way to go . . .

For the past couple of years i've been thinking about what really matters in the grand scheme of things. i don't know if it works this way for others but certain things rattle around in my head for a couple years before they get anywhere. The decision to drink alcohol took somewhere from 3-5 years. Perhaps you ponder something for a week and then know fully everything you think about the topic. For me it takes a while.

That said, the question of what really matters is one i fully expect to take a long time. i'm glad to be dealing with it now though. i recently picked up some Tolstoy and, in reading some of his non-fiction, found that in his fifties he was pondering very similar issues. After living a successful, and arguably important, life he questioned everything. This period in his life brought about massive personal change and that personal change draumatically impacted the world around him.

i also think about the diciples in a similar context. The disciples (post resurection) all lived to the death for Chirst; the aposlte Paul as well. These men, once misfits and losers, lived their life with determination and conviction. Something changed them. Something similar can be said of Tolstoy. He hit a point where what he once knew would no longer suffice.

i've often considered myself weak, unspectacular, quiet. i often fail to stand up for things i believe strongly in; often while fighting for things that simply cannot matter. That simply will not do anymore. i think the first step is deciding what truly matters. Once that is done, i can decide how to live in light of what matters.

Part of it is also letting the things which don't matter slide. I'm confronted with this one regularly. I'll get upset over something at work. On the whole, work is important. It is the little issues we get up in arms about that are typically the unimportant. They cause unnecessary frustration and they take our eyes off those things which do matter.

i hope one day to have the balanced perspective of a man who knows what matters in life. i hope this so that i may live the life that i believe to be the only possible outcome of such a perspective.

. . . face first is mine.

Cholesterol 1, Tim 1, Diabetes 0

After a recent conversation with my brother i found out both of my parents are on medicine for high cholesterol. This conversation arose because he was telling me he recently discovered that he too has high cholesterol. Genetics being what they are, i decided i might want to get checked as well. I also got checked for diabetes as it also runs in my father's family.

The results:

- In your face diabetes! i win!
- Stupid cholesterol! i loose!

So i have high cholesterol. The good news is that diabetes would have altered my sweet tea drinking schedule. Cholesterol will just mess with everything else. Oddly enough, i can live with that.

So, Cholesterol, now that your friend diabetes is out of the way, it's just you and me. The way i see it, you may have been wining before, but i didn't even know about it. But it's on now!

Philip Glass and letting less be less

Less, i like to believe, does not have to be more. It can be. But i like to believe it can also be less. Or at least i hope so.

One of my life's contradictions (one which i've been noticing more lately) is that i consider myself something of a minimalist. i cannot imagine anyone else would think that about me; but, at heart, i think of myself that way. No one else would, and that is due largely to a complete lack of evidence to support the belief. So it's a contradiction.

Now, i'm not saying i want to live in a tent or anything but i think i could pare down a bit. Part of the problem is not knowing how or where to start. i try to examine my life objectively and look at things from a balanced perspective. If i do a good job of that i should be able to rationally decide where the line is but i'm perplexed.

So i've got no answers on this one. i have a vague idea of what i want but no idea what it looks like, how far i am from it or how to find it.

Sadly, this seems about like par.

I can't tell what kind of life I've led today

And that really is the problem. i've noticed lately that at the end of any given day, i cannot say with much assurity what kind of day it was, or how well i did living it. i know it's over, but that's where certainty ends. Some days i get a great deal of things done, some days very little gets done. But, somehow, i feel like quantity accomplished is not the right measure. Somedays, the things i do are done very well; others not as well. Still, quality of the things done seems a poor, or at least incomplete, measure (though logically a step in the right direction).

It is possible some combination of these two answers the question. The obvious problem is the issue of the unknown. No matter how well any day has gone i can never know if it could have gone better. No matter how badly a day has gone i can never know if it could have been worse.

The point (part 1): i try to live in a way that will please the Lord and bring Him glory. That being the case, why is it that at the end of so many days, i have no idea if i've even come close to accomplishing that. Often, i could not tell you when i last gave God more than a passing thought.

The point (part 2): i try to be a good husband. At the end of every day, my wife still loves me. That is a good thing. But i cannot tell you that i was a good husband that day. She may say i was and in truth i may have been. There is just no way to know. There simply is no imperical measure or, if there is, it is unknown and therefore unhelpful.

The point (part 3): i try to be a good . . . (i think you see where this is going by now).

The uncertainty is not the core problem; the uncertainty is part of the problem. This is an important distinction. If i was simply bothered by uncertainty, i would not be so concerned with the asnwer to the question. The problem is that i want to glorify the Lord; i want to be a good husband. i'm just not sure how to know if i am or not.

p.s. as a general rule, if you think you may have spotted a musical reference in any of my posts (band name, song lyric/title, etc), assume it is a challenge. Bonus points, though technically non-existent, are available if you catch it.

What caliber of man will you be . . ?

So, it occurred to me that my explanation for the justification of this blog was not entirely forth coming. My motives may not be any of your business, but the following may help to explain some of the ramblings to which you may be exposed in the future.

We recently began a new chronological period in time (some of us choose to call this period a "year"). I've never been much for resolutions. This has much to do with my life's mission of being too cool for anything more than 15 other people do. But I've been thinking a great deal lately about God and me and my family and life and what is and is not important. Our pastor was talking recently about a man (Johnathan Edwards maybe?) who took one year of his life and came up with like 70 resolutions by which he intended to live the rest of his life. Something in me resonated with that idea. It fit well in that part of me that ponders deep thoughts as I'm driving down the road (when I'm not commenting on the freakishly low IQs of my fellow motorists and the myriad of ways in which their low IQs impact my commute). So i decided to make a point this year of thinking about God and me and my family and life and what is and is not important.

A very good band once posed an inquiry which forms the title of this post (extra points if you can name them without looking it up). They went on to suggest that this kind of question isn't asked any more. I am inclined to agree. I feel, therefore, a necessity to pose it to myself. You may periodically be privy to my thoughts on that topic. I just thought you'd want to know what you may be getting yourself into by reading.