my heart is like my stomach,

So, how sad is it that i can't appreciate God. i mean really. i've been what you might call a "believer" for some time now. i know the drill; God is awesome; i am grateful. It's not difficult.

So, the other night my wife an i realize that we have a problem. The problem itself is essentially immaterial so i will spare the details and speak generally because the truth is, as specific as my present feelings are, they are in fact the same in all conceptually similar situations.

So we've got problem 'A' and we freak out a bit. Fair enough, problems suck. We get worried. We've been praying about situations surrounding 'A' for sometime not even knowing we had the problem so yeah, we're a little surprised and frustrated.

So obviously we pray and we start looking at the tangible things we can do to try and fix 'A' ourselves. God, helping those who help themselves and what-not, seems to like this sort of thing. We eventually come upon what i came to think of as a 'pseudo-solution'. Fears calm, we relax a bit, still frustrated that 'A' is/was a problem at all, but glad to know that 'A' will not devour us whole.

The next day i'm praying and how do i thank God? "Lord you're awesome and amazing; thank you for such a great solution!"? No, more like, "God thanks for staving of disaster for a while but what else have you got."

The thing is this, i'm an idiot. God totally saved our bacon (turkey if you're curious) and i'm moderately grateful. i appreciate His help and all, but i really had something much grander in mind. It's like saying, "You know God, this whole salvation thing great and all but, is there like a platinum package you offer? Maybe something where i can skip this whole 'Earthly trials' thing and just cut straight to the punch."

So, yeah, i'm basically a moron. A saved moron, but a moron.

And, in case there is any confusion; God is awesome, His solutions are great and i have absolutely no right to complain. If i do complain, please refer to the above.

i am but one small instrument. . .

Ok, so, i'm not sure how best to say this. . . Jeremy Enigk. . . . well, Jeremy Enigk. i have no words to describe it. i try not to be overly gushy about bands and artists and stuff but sometimes one has to stop and appreciate that God has given some people far too much talent. i was listening to World Waits today and my goodness, it's just unbelievable.

i realize this album has been out for a while but lets be honest, we could have the same conversation (read monolog) about Diary. It never stops being incredible. It honestly makes me jealous but it also inspires me. It makes me want to write and play music. It makes me want to hear songs i wrote and recorded play back. It makes me want to play open-mics and crap like that. Man i need to learn how to sing. i also need to learn how to write songs i like. Most of the stuff i try to write comes out sounding like something i wouldn't listen to.

Anywho, enough about me. Jeremy Enigk actually brought glory to God today. Listening to his stuff actually made me stop and tell God how awesome He (God, not Jeremy) is. Enigk doesn't write worship music (that i know of). i've heard rumors that he accepted the Lord years ago but i have no idea if that is actually true or if it "stuck" or not but i honestly don't care. i mean, i care; obviously i'd prefer to see the man not go to hell, but i've never met him so it's not really my place to get all into it. my point is, i don't honestly care if he meant to glorify God with his music or not. He did. The pure, simple, complex, beauty of his music really reminded me how amazing God is.

i suppose this ties into an earlier conversation (read monolog) about worshiping God without getting in the way. i'm not sure it does, but it seems to in my head. Either way, i'm probably not listening to anything else today. (ok, that's not 100% accurate, a little Elliot Smith slipped in earlier but that's because i was thinking about scotch.)

i'm so damn tired...

Yeah, day two of law school and i'm already quite tired. This is not encouraging. i find myself making exactly the same promise i made myself for 4 years of undergrad:

"i'll catch up by _____, then it will all be down hill from there".

That's right, 4 years of the same lie. At least now i know it's a lie. . .

if that blonde chick can do it. . .

So, today is my first day of law school. 2 classes down, one to go. It doesn't seem too bad. It will be way more work than i ever thought about doing in undergrad but boo-hoo, what did i expect. The problem is this. i was on day 2 of orientation before it occurred to me to pray about being ready for it. "God, please help me to be ready for this." That's all i'm talking about here. Still i've only prayed about it like 2 or 3 times even after that realization. Some people are freaking out and praying daily about it. Sure i prayed a bunch in deciding to come here but not about being here.

I can only offer 2 explanations for this:

1) I just trust God that much.

2) I'm an arrogant bastard.

Survey says. . . . . . oh, sorry, arrogant bastard! Oh well.

Sadly, at one point in my life i was considering a prayer policy that basically involved trusting God to care for me and praying about other stuff. This could be a whole topic on its own so i'll leave it at that. i don't think that idea was too far off base though. The problem with the current situation is that i pray about/for myself all the time. i really want to believe some part of me subconsciously falls into category 1 and as a result my natural reaction is to not pray about it. Sadly, nothing else supports that hope.

The best part about this is that i really like it when God shows me what a moron i am. This is largely because 2 is so true. I need this from time to time. As sad as it is, though maybe because 1 is partly true (somewhere deep down), i almost prefer to learn this way. This as opposed to something more tangible like bad grades or something.

MY redeemer lives

i was thinking recently about how we praise God. We typically sing songs. We also, hopefully, try to live in a way that brings Him glory. Both are an important part of worshiping Him. i've been thinking a bit about the singing part. Every song i can think of is designed to praise God for who He is in relationship to us. He is our provider. He is our savior. He is good to us. We sing these songs and try to emphasize the "He" but in practice (simply by consistency of subject matter) we end up emphasizing the "us". i think i would really like to have a song that praises God for who He is on His own.

i feel like God is so much bigger than His relationship with us yet we limit our expression to things that we know based on our relationship with Him. Maybe this isn't all bad. God tells us to come to him like little children. Children don't always understand that their father may be the best blah, blah, blah in his district or that mom is a top notch etc, etc. Children know their parents exclusively through their interaction. As such, children's expressions of adoration exist through that filter.

Perhaps God designed our relationship with Him this way intentionally. I know that God is too much for me to understand. i know that he is too great for me to comprehend. i realize that to praise Him for something other than what He is to me would require me to know/understand something i may not be built to know/understand. That fact leads me to only two possible conclusions:

- i have simply become a more mature follower of Christ and i desire a more mature (for lack of a better word) worship.

or

- my pride has gotten so out of control that i think i can praise God on a higher level than David himself.

i honestly go back and forth between the two conclusions. both make a good deal of sense. Either way, i like to believe that my goal is to praise Him and give Him the Praise He deserves. i may be kidding myself. i may have found a way to work a sinful attitude into my desire to praise the Lord. Whatever the case, i can't get away from the feeling that so much of our worship is more self-focused than it could be.

If there's a way to go . . .

For the past couple of years i've been thinking about what really matters in the grand scheme of things. i don't know if it works this way for others but certain things rattle around in my head for a couple years before they get anywhere. The decision to drink alcohol took somewhere from 3-5 years. Perhaps you ponder something for a week and then know fully everything you think about the topic. For me it takes a while.

That said, the question of what really matters is one i fully expect to take a long time. i'm glad to be dealing with it now though. i recently picked up some Tolstoy and, in reading some of his non-fiction, found that in his fifties he was pondering very similar issues. After living a successful, and arguably important, life he questioned everything. This period in his life brought about massive personal change and that personal change draumatically impacted the world around him.

i also think about the diciples in a similar context. The disciples (post resurection) all lived to the death for Chirst; the aposlte Paul as well. These men, once misfits and losers, lived their life with determination and conviction. Something changed them. Something similar can be said of Tolstoy. He hit a point where what he once knew would no longer suffice.

i've often considered myself weak, unspectacular, quiet. i often fail to stand up for things i believe strongly in; often while fighting for things that simply cannot matter. That simply will not do anymore. i think the first step is deciding what truly matters. Once that is done, i can decide how to live in light of what matters.

Part of it is also letting the things which don't matter slide. I'm confronted with this one regularly. I'll get upset over something at work. On the whole, work is important. It is the little issues we get up in arms about that are typically the unimportant. They cause unnecessary frustration and they take our eyes off those things which do matter.

i hope one day to have the balanced perspective of a man who knows what matters in life. i hope this so that i may live the life that i believe to be the only possible outcome of such a perspective.

. . . face first is mine.

Bloke in a dress!

So, i recently bought myself a dress. . .

Apparently, i will, this Saturday, carry on the grand, cross-dressing tradition of many who have engaged, survived and conquered the education system. i, my friend, will walk in a graduation commencement ceremony. Why this requires me to wear a dress (or "gown" if you prefer) is beyond me.

The whole graduation thing seems strangely anti-climactic. Perhaps this is because 9 days later i will again begin classes at the same school. I will not be resuming classes for the sake of continuing my education by seeking a graduate degree, but rather for the purpose of completing the very degree i'll be cross-dressing for this weekend. It's sort of a kill joy.

Honestly, it feels like a kind of debt. i'll be "getting a degree" based on my promise to complete some course work. i know i'm not actually getting a degree this weekend (i don't think anyone does at these things; i'm pretty sure they mail it to you later). Still i can't help but imagine i'll feel somehow obligated to finish after Saturday. Like before i was doing it for my own reasons but after this weekend i'll owe them my scholastic effort.

i plan to finish, obligation or no, so it's not big deal but still, i can't help but think that walking across that stage on Saturday will feel ever so much like the swipe of a big credit card.

All blasphemy aside . . .

This is my list of games that God could not win. There are explanations for each one. Re-check this post from time to time as i will add to it as they come to me (are suggested). So, without further delay (or delayla for that matter),

Games God could not win:

- Dodge Ball. Come on, possibly the most obvious; He's omni-freekin-present! How do you not hit him. Guaranteed 1st out every game.

- Any variation of tag (see above).

- Ping-pong. At first i thought, of course God would win at stupid table tennis! He's God! But, you may recall, His eye is on the sparrow. You've got to keep your eye on the ball man!
___- you could lump a lot of racket sports in here too. (volleyball as well i suppose)
___- on a related not, he'd crush at badminton, sparrow/birdy, same thing.

Cholesterol 1, Tim 1, Diabetes 0

After a recent conversation with my brother i found out both of my parents are on medicine for high cholesterol. This conversation arose because he was telling me he recently discovered that he too has high cholesterol. Genetics being what they are, i decided i might want to get checked as well. I also got checked for diabetes as it also runs in my father's family.

The results:

- In your face diabetes! i win!
- Stupid cholesterol! i loose!

So i have high cholesterol. The good news is that diabetes would have altered my sweet tea drinking schedule. Cholesterol will just mess with everything else. Oddly enough, i can live with that.

So, Cholesterol, now that your friend diabetes is out of the way, it's just you and me. The way i see it, you may have been wining before, but i didn't even know about it. But it's on now!

Law School

So, i basically got an email this morning indicating that i have been accepted to Regent Univesities School of Law. So that's good news.

Philip Glass and letting less be less

Less, i like to believe, does not have to be more. It can be. But i like to believe it can also be less. Or at least i hope so.

One of my life's contradictions (one which i've been noticing more lately) is that i consider myself something of a minimalist. i cannot imagine anyone else would think that about me; but, at heart, i think of myself that way. No one else would, and that is due largely to a complete lack of evidence to support the belief. So it's a contradiction.

Now, i'm not saying i want to live in a tent or anything but i think i could pare down a bit. Part of the problem is not knowing how or where to start. i try to examine my life objectively and look at things from a balanced perspective. If i do a good job of that i should be able to rationally decide where the line is but i'm perplexed.

So i've got no answers on this one. i have a vague idea of what i want but no idea what it looks like, how far i am from it or how to find it.

Sadly, this seems about like par.

I can't tell what kind of life I've led today

And that really is the problem. i've noticed lately that at the end of any given day, i cannot say with much assurity what kind of day it was, or how well i did living it. i know it's over, but that's where certainty ends. Some days i get a great deal of things done, some days very little gets done. But, somehow, i feel like quantity accomplished is not the right measure. Somedays, the things i do are done very well; others not as well. Still, quality of the things done seems a poor, or at least incomplete, measure (though logically a step in the right direction).

It is possible some combination of these two answers the question. The obvious problem is the issue of the unknown. No matter how well any day has gone i can never know if it could have gone better. No matter how badly a day has gone i can never know if it could have been worse.

The point (part 1): i try to live in a way that will please the Lord and bring Him glory. That being the case, why is it that at the end of so many days, i have no idea if i've even come close to accomplishing that. Often, i could not tell you when i last gave God more than a passing thought.

The point (part 2): i try to be a good husband. At the end of every day, my wife still loves me. That is a good thing. But i cannot tell you that i was a good husband that day. She may say i was and in truth i may have been. There is just no way to know. There simply is no imperical measure or, if there is, it is unknown and therefore unhelpful.

The point (part 3): i try to be a good . . . (i think you see where this is going by now).

The uncertainty is not the core problem; the uncertainty is part of the problem. This is an important distinction. If i was simply bothered by uncertainty, i would not be so concerned with the asnwer to the question. The problem is that i want to glorify the Lord; i want to be a good husband. i'm just not sure how to know if i am or not.

p.s. as a general rule, if you think you may have spotted a musical reference in any of my posts (band name, song lyric/title, etc), assume it is a challenge. Bonus points, though technically non-existent, are available if you catch it.

Hide and go Jinx

So, my wife and i basically have a very cute and mischievous kitty. i am going to try hard not to post zillions of pictures of her here but there will be moments that it will be impossible to resist. This is one of those moments.

Now, how was i supposed to resist this one. This, ladies and gentlemen, is our little Jinx Removing. She is really, quite cute.

What caliber of man will you be . . ?

So, it occurred to me that my explanation for the justification of this blog was not entirely forth coming. My motives may not be any of your business, but the following may help to explain some of the ramblings to which you may be exposed in the future.

We recently began a new chronological period in time (some of us choose to call this period a "year"). I've never been much for resolutions. This has much to do with my life's mission of being too cool for anything more than 15 other people do. But I've been thinking a great deal lately about God and me and my family and life and what is and is not important. Our pastor was talking recently about a man (Johnathan Edwards maybe?) who took one year of his life and came up with like 70 resolutions by which he intended to live the rest of his life. Something in me resonated with that idea. It fit well in that part of me that ponders deep thoughts as I'm driving down the road (when I'm not commenting on the freakishly low IQs of my fellow motorists and the myriad of ways in which their low IQs impact my commute). So i decided to make a point this year of thinking about God and me and my family and life and what is and is not important.

A very good band once posed an inquiry which forms the title of this post (extra points if you can name them without looking it up). They went on to suggest that this kind of question isn't asked any more. I am inclined to agree. I feel, therefore, a necessity to pose it to myself. You may periodically be privy to my thoughts on that topic. I just thought you'd want to know what you may be getting yourself into by reading.

Board at work

So, i've been bored at work lately and I recently recieved some new pedals for Christmas. It was not enough for me to re-arrange my pedal board (twice). I had to embrace my dorkiness and and use CAD at work to draft it out. Behold:

I"m working to try and get one uploaded that you can view full size but blogger is not cooperating. This should give you the general idea in the mean time. Feel free to email me if you want the full size pdf in the mean time.

why ink would be better . . .

Some of you may recognize the self referential nature of this blog's title. It sort of assumes you know something and updates the thought related to that something. Whether you get it or not is unimportant. I selected this title because, frankly, ink is better. Allow me to explain.

I used to write letters to friends. This was an involved process. I had to get a pen, some paper, an envelope, and a stamp. I had to lick stuff then hire a courier to transport it all in the hope that my friend would get it, read it then respond in kind. What a pain. Email seems so much easier. I go the computer, click a few icons, type stuff, spell check it then send. That mystical internet then makes sure they get it in a matter of nano-seconds. Brilliant! How could email not be better than the ink based system? I'm glad I asked that.

What i learned is that there is something about writing a letter. You have to put forth extra effort. I got into that. I actually went out and bought special pens and ink for writing letters. It was fun and I felt a little more connected to these friends than I did when I emailed them. There was also the excitement of getting a letter back. Mail usually sucks. Getting a handwritten letter always brightened my day. In short, letter writing is more personal, it means more.

I haven't written a letter in years. This caused a change in the verb in this blog title. Had I started it years ago it would read "Ink is better". My willingness to join the email herd has moved the reality of that superiority to the the past tense. Now I simply lament the superiority of ink. It would be better, if I used it.

Ink would also be a better medium for this exercise. I like having a place to write and store my thoughts. I also like having a passive way to share them and receive comments. There is nothing inherently wrong with that but at the same time, the more heavily i rely on digital forms of communication the less connected i feel to those with whom i communicate. I think the best option would be for me to write these thoughts privately and then, should it seem relevant, share them with you by letter, or better, over a pint.

The question I have to answer is: Do I email and blog because i'm compromising with technology or because I'm selling out.

mmmm, narcissism

A while back I decided I'd start blogging. I typed up what would be my first blog entry. It was basically all about how blogging was basically just a digitized form of narcissism. I think my favorite part of that blog-entry-to-be was the blatant narcissism with which i discussed narcissism. It was truly a thing of beauty. This, is not that entry. I really can't bring myself to look at it again. It's just too beautiful. If i gaze again i may drown in it. We can't have that.

I opted, for a variety of reasons, not to blog at that time. One reason being I simply could not think of a good reason to. Don't get me wrong, I've got good crap to say, but I could not imagine a reason to blog that would not, in the end be a way of saying, "hey, look how cool I am." Driving home from Richmond recently, I realized that blogging is a good thought stimulator. I occasionally have thoughts about stuff that I'm sure I'd write down and explore further if only I had a place/reason to do it. Blogging could therefore be a thought promoting activity. Being a sucker for thinking deeply about unimportant stuff I decided the time had come.

So that's my justification. I hope it's a good one. Maybe my next post will be an explanation of the blog's title.